If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no

Don't set your boundaries around a pros and cons list

I think we’ve all tuned into the fact that we need to get more comfortable saying no - no to more things on our plate and no to things that make us feel uncomfortable. There is no self-help concept that’s garnered as much attention in recent years as that of Boundaries. Build them and enforce them.

But I think a lot of us struggle with where to put up those boundaries.

When we know something is going to suck, we know we should say no.

But what about all those things we’re waffling on? A friend asks you to volunteer at a nonprofit with her. It doesn’t sound like the worst idea. You know it’s a nonprofit you support. You can think of a lot of good reasons why you “should” do it. But you’re not excited about it. You don’t have a “yes!” feeling in your gut. Some people might say give it a try, maybe you’ll like it. I say, say no thank you and don’t look back.

If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no.

I spoke with a client the other day - a manifesting generator. MGs tend to be people who are multi-passionate and do a LOT of things in their lifetime. They often get accused (unfairly) of being flakes because they’re always changing their mind. Coaching them often involves giving them permission to change their minds. This client, however, said she never gave anything up when she found something that excited her - she just kept adding more and more to her plate. She was taught that everything you commit to needs to be seen through to the bitter end. The very idea of taking something - anything - off her plate was novel.

Guess what? Commitment JUST for the sake of commitment is not commendable.

Don’t get me wrong. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. Or sometimes you do things for other people that you’re not excited about because you love them that much. But honestly? Those things shouldn’t be the majority of your day. And they should always be open to reevaluation. (After all, there’s nothing virtuous about doing an act of love with a heart full of resentment).

Every single day of your life you are making all of your life decisions all over again.

And it’s ok to answer differently than you did yesterday.

Spending time on bullshit (ie, stuff you’re not excited about) is stressful. And depleting. And it wastes time that you could be spending on things you are excited about. Or doing nothing. Worst of all, it closes you off to the opportunities to do the things that were meant for you had you been open and available.

And if you’re still not convinced that quitting the draining thing wouldn’t be the “right thing” to do: keeping it on your plate when you’re not jazzed about it means someone who would be really excited to do it doesn’t get the opportunity.

This framework has helped me so much with decision making. Instead of going back and forth on why you should or shouldn’t do something (stressing yourself out with just the decision), just go with your gut.

It’s either yes or it’s the absence of yes.

Don’t do it unless you actually get the yes.